What We Get Wrong About Internalized Homophobia
Deshaming a common defense mechanism among gay men.
KEY POINTS
Research has linked internalized homophobia with greater psychological distress among sexual minority men.
Internalized homophobia can affect gay men even when they consciously reject homophobic beliefs.
Like skin, our defenses protect us until we eventually outgrow them.
When I was beginning my training to become a therapist, I asked a mentor of mine why he became a therapist.
In his beautiful, sanctuary-like office in the heart of West Hollywood, he looked at me and pointed out the window toward the Pacific Design Center, near the epicenter of gay bars, and said, "Because out there is bullshit, in here is the truth.”
I knew exactly what he meant because I had spent years living the BS myself.
For 11 years, I worked at one of the busiest and most popular gay bars in West Hollywood. It wasn't uncommon to see high-powered Hollywood professionals—including agents of some of the most well-known celebrities—partying late into the night, making out with men, and then returning to lives where being gay was compartmentalized enough it never crossed over into their public or professional identities.
Less than five minutes away, just down the street, was the national headquarters of The Trevor Project—a suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization for LGBTQ youth. It is an entire organization dedicated to supporting young people who feel like they can't be themselves—who've been taught, explicitly or implicitly, that who they are is somehow too much, or not enough.
Many of my friends talked to me in private about their struggles while living very different lives out in West Hollywood or on social media. I became a therapist because I had navigated the same challenges myself, and I wanted to offer gay men something I hadn't always had access to: a clinician who understood the unique experiences of growing up gay in a world that either ignored, distorted, or devalued who we are.
As part of my specialization in LGBTQ Affirmative Psychology, I learned how to provide affirming mental health care for LGBTQ individuals while also applying psychological theory to issues impacting gender and sexual minorities.
Much of my clinical work at the Los Angeles LGBT Center involved helping clients recognize and challenge the shameful messages they'd internalized about being gay. While most of my clients could consciously recognize that the anti-LGBTQ messages they'd heard growing up were misguided, many weren't aware of the extent to which they had unconsciously internalized external homophobia.
What Is Internalized Homophobia?
Internalized homophobia is one of the most common experiences among gay men, yet it’s often misunderstood and remains one of the least openly talked about or acknowledged.
Internalized homophobia occurs when a gay person absorbs the negative attitudes and beliefs about being gay that he grew up around from family, religion, culture, and peers, consciously and unconsciously, and turns them inward.
At its core, internalized homophobia operates as a defense mechanism. As a defense against rejection, we learn to suppress or isolate the parts of ourselves we fear could threaten our connection to the people and communities we depend on for love, care, and support.
Internalized homophobia can also impact how we relate to other gay men, including our friendships, romantic relationships, sex lives, communities, and coping strategies. It’s subtle and persistent, making even an outwardly confident man feel like he's somehow still not enough.
What Internalized Homophobia Looks Like
You may recognize yourself in some of these statements and not others. Some may have been true for you in the past but no longer feel true today.
Modifying how we act depending on who we're around.
Feeling more comfortable when people don't know we're gay.
Comparing ourselves to other gay men and feeling like we don't measure up.
Feeling pressure to prove that we're different, or not like, other gay men.
Disliking or judging in other gay men what we have difficulty accepting in ourselves.
Having difficulty being fully open or affectionate with another man.
Using drugs or alcohol to have sex or connect with men.
Having a persistent feeling that we're not enough, no matter our accomplishments or outward markers of success.
Experiencing anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges.
Feeling shame after sex or masturbation, judging our sexual desires, feeling uncomfortable receiving pleasure, or struggling to separate sexual desire from shame.
Facing internalized homophobia can feel like a betrayal of the community, as if by acknowledging it, we're giving credence to the very homophobia we've fought to survive. But left unexamined, internalized homophobia is closely linked to poor mental health outcomes, higher rates of substance abuse, low self-esteem, and intimate partner violence among gay and bisexual men.
Pay attention to the statements that feel familiar, the ones you want to dismiss, and the ones that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes the reaction itself is worth looking at more closely.
Once we recognize a pattern, we have the opportunity to bring awareness to the choices we make and begin choosing what to externalize, heal, and let go.
Identifying patterns is about understanding them, not blaming ourselves.
What I've learned from my own life is that nothing is ever brought into my awareness that I'm not ready to either change or help change.
If anything came up for you that you’d like to explore more, support is available, whether through a therapist, a trusted person, or community resources like the Trevor Project or PFLAG.
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Chris Tompkins is a gay male therapist in West Hollywood (Los Angeles) who specializes in working with adult gay men, individuals and couples. He supports clients navigating identity, relationships, religious trauma, addiction, and self-esteem. To learn more, explore therapeutic services or schedule a free consultation.
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