Do You Distance Regulate in Your Relationships?
How we use distance to manage intimacy.
KEY POINTS
Distance can be physical, emotional, or mental, even when we are physically together.
Distance can help us manage feelings we aren't always aware of or able to express.
For some gay men, privacy and distance can become ways of protecting themselves in relationships.
When I was an associate marriage and family therapist, a common theme that would continue to appear in my client case presentations during supervision was distance regulation.
At the time, I hadn’t heard of the term. It wasn’t something I learned about in graduate school. But the more clients I began working with, the more distance regulation became a common theme.
Whether it was in individual or couples therapy, people would often seek therapy because of communication challenges in their relationships.
In the process of learning their history, I would tune into patterns, how people responded, whether a partner was hyper- or hypo-aroused, and I would begin to identify their defenses. I learned that what could look maladaptive in someone’s current life was often a coping strategy they adopted early on to take care of themselves.
Distance regulation is a concept to describe how people manage the amount of space they have in their relationships. It can be physical, emotional, or even mental. For some people, creating distance is an important way of managing how they feel.
Physical distance is the most obvious, but distance can also happen emotionally, when we withhold our feelings, or mentally, when we check out, even when we are physically together. I see this with clients who describe sitting together on the couch watching television while one person is on his phone and the other feels alone.
The behavior itself doesn't necessarily mean someone is distance regulating. Before assigning a label, I try to be curious about what is happening for each person.
Some people might not even be aware of how they feel, so using distance can help regulate their nervous system. On the other hand, a person might be acutely aware of how they feel; however, it’s difficult to express it to their partner, friends, or loved ones, and space serves as a way to communicate an emotion they’re unable to verbalize otherwise.
Communication researcher Jon Hess developed a model for distance regulation in personal relationships that describes the different ways people create and manage distance. Other research has examined the ongoing tension between intimacy, vulnerability, and distance, and the ways people manage their needs for connection and autonomy.
Even though it's a pretty common, and easily understood, way of managing ourselves, there isn't much out there in the way of articles, podcasts, or books that explains what distance regulation can look like or why someone might develop it in the first place. I wanted to write something I could share with clients, as well as something clinicians could use when they encounter distance regulation in their clinical work.
Distance Regulation in Relationships
A person may need time alone after spending time with other people. They may need physical space from a partner or less communication when their nervous system, unbeknownst to them, is activated. They may also create distance when a relationship becomes more intimate or vulnerable.
For partners, this can create a difficult dynamic. The person creating distance may be trying to regulate himself, while his partner experiences his distance as rejection or avoidance. The result can be conflict, particularly when neither person understands what’s driving the behavior.
Learning where our defenses come from can change how we respond to them. Like skin, defenses are there to protect us. We don't want to just rip them off. When we understand why we developed certain ways of taking care of ourselves, we can find more ways to manage intimacy and communicate our need for physical or emotional space.
Gay Men’s Relationship to Distance
Distance regulation isn't unique to gay men, and not all gay men distance regulate. Many gay men, however, grow up learning that privacy and distance can be ways of protecting themselves, which can later become part of how they manage relationships.
For some gay men, hiding parts of ourselves begins when we’re young. We learn to monitor what we say, how we act, what we like, and who we have crushes on. We pay attention to what feels safe to share and what doesn't.
For some men, creating distance later in life can serve a similar purpose. Independence can feel safer than depending on someone else. Having time alone can make it easier to feel like ourselves when intimacy becomes vulnerable.
Distance itself isn't always a problem. We all have different needs for privacy, autonomy, solitude, and connection. The question is whether distance has become the primary way a person knows how to manage himself in relationships.
How do you manage distance? Do you find yourself needing to take a break from people or your partner, but judging it as something bad?
Finding balance is key, and distance is no different. Whether you need physical, emotional, or mental distance, communicating your needs while also paying attention to the needs of the people in your life can help you have compassion for yourself when you need space.
Featured on:
Chris Tompkins is a gay male therapist in West Hollywood (Los Angeles) who specializes in working with adult gay men, individuals and couples. He supports clients navigating identity, relationships, religious trauma, addiction, and self-esteem. To learn more, explore therapeutic services or schedule a free consultation.
Comments