The Internalized homophobia inventory
Updated: Aug 27
21 Ways Internalized Homophobia May Be Showing Up in Your Life
Internalized homophobia is one of the most common experiences among gay men, yet it remains one of the least openly talked about or acknowledged.
Internalized homophobia, also referred to as internalized homonegativity, is when a gay person absorbs the negative attitudes and beliefs about being gay that he grew up around from family, religion, culture, and peers, consciously and unconsciously, and turns them inward. Judgments from outside inform the way we see ourselves.
Internalized homophobia can also impact how we relate to other gay men, including our friendships, romantic relationships, sex lives, communities, and coping strategies. It’s subtle and persistent, making even an outwardly confident man feel like he's somehow still not enough.
Like any defense mechanism, internalized homophobia isolates the parts of ourselves we fear would keep us from receiving love, care, and support from our family, friends, or community.
Facing internalized homophobia can feel difficult and exposing. Admitting it can feel like a betrayal of the community, as if by acknowledging it, we're giving credence to the very homophobia we've fought to survive. But left unexamined, internalized homophobia is closely linked to poor mental health outcomes, higher rates of substance abuse, low self-esteem, and intimate partner violence among gay and bisexual men.
The following inventory is an opportunity to notice patterns you may have never considered before. You may recognize yourself in some of these statements and not others. Some may have been true for you in the past but no longer feel true today.
As you read, give yourself permission to be curious. You don't have to agree with every statement, and you don't have to identify with every one. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't.
The Internalized Homophobia Inventory
Check any statements that feel familiar.
I edit myself depending on who I'm around. I may change how I speak, dress, behave, or express myself depending on whether I think someone might perceive me as gay. I may become more conscious of my voice, mannerisms, or masculinity around certain people.
I say yes when I really want to say no. I may go along with what others want, avoid conflict, or put my own needs last to be agreeable. Setting a boundary or disappointing someone can still feel uncomfortable, even unsafe.
I feel uncomfortable when someone asks me if I have a girlfriend or whether I'm single. I may notice discomfort, hesitation, or self-consciousness when someone asks about my dating life, even in an ordinary interaction with someone I don't know well.
I sometimes leave out that I'm gay when I don't need to. I may avoid mentioning my partner, dating life, sexuality, or other parts of my life because revealing them feels exposing, uncomfortable, or unnecessary, even when there isn't an obvious reason to hide.
I feel more comfortable when people don't know I'm gay. Being able to "pass" as straight may give me a sense of relief, safety, approval, or even pride. Being perceived as gay can sometimes make me more self-conscious.
I minimize or dismiss homophobia when it happens to me. I may tell myself someone was "just joking," that I'm being too sensitive, or that something doesn't bother me when it actually does. I may make excuses for people who treat me differently because I don't want to acknowledge that their behavior is rooted in homophobia.
I compare myself to other gay men and feel like I don't measure up. I may compare my body, looks, masculinity, career, relationships, sexual experiences, social status, or popularity to other gay men and come away feeling like I'm not enough.
I feel pressure to prove that I'm different from other gay men. I may tell myself I'm "not like other gay men" or take pride in being more masculine, successful, reserved, or otherwise different from stereotypes I associate with gay men.
I make negative assumptions about other gay men or gay culture. I may assume gay men are promiscuous, use drugs, are overly sexual, superficial, dramatic, feminine, or concerned with status, and then distance myself from gay spaces, communities, traditions, or forms of expression because I don't want to be associated with them.
I dislike or judge in other gay men what I have difficulty accepting in myself. I may feel irritation, contempt, or coldness toward other gay men, or be particularly critical of those who are feminine, sexual, flamboyant, emotional, or otherwise express parts of themselves I learned to keep hidden.
I fear rejection or judgment from other gay men. I may monitor how I'm perceived, worry about being rejected by other gay men, or change how I present myself because I'm afraid I won't fit in or won't be considered desirable, masculine, attractive, sexual, successful, or "gay enough.”
I have difficulty being fully open or affectionate with another man. I may feel uncomfortable holding hands, showing affection in public, introducing someone as my partner, or letting other people see the intimacy in my relationship.
I use sarcasm, humor, or teasing when something feels too vulnerable. I may make a joke when a conversation gets uncomfortable, use sarcasm to deflect, or turn something serious into something funny rather than allowing myself to be seen.
I experience shame or discomfort around sex with men. I may feel shame after sex or masturbation, judge my sexual desires, feel uncomfortable receiving pleasure, or struggle to separate sexual desire from shame.
I use drugs to feel more comfortable having sex with men. I may use drugs to lower my inhibitions, numb shame, feel less self-conscious, intensify sexual experiences, or make it easier to have sex with another man. This can include what is commonly referred to as chemsex.
I have difficulty receiving love, affection, or acceptance. Part of me may feel undeserving of love, uncomfortable being cared for, or like I have to earn affection before I can fully receive it.
I hold myself back from things I want. I may avoid relationships, intimacy, friendships, opportunities, or experiences because I expect rejection, judgment, embarrassment, or disappointment.
I feel like I'm not enough. I may feel less worthy, less desirable, or somehow less than other people because I'm gay, even when I can't explain exactly why. Research has linked internalized homophobia with lower self-esteem and poorer self-concept among gay men.
I use alcohol or drugs to cope with difficult feelings about being gay. I may use substances to manage shame, anxiety, loneliness, rejection, or discomfort related to my sexuality, relationships, gay spaces, or how I feel about myself.
I experience anxiety or depression related to being gay. I may experience sadness, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, or emotional distress that feels connected to how I see myself as a gay man or how I believe other people see me.
I sometimes wonder whether my life would be easier if I weren't gay. Even if I don't consciously wish to change my sexual orientation, I may sometimes imagine that life would be easier, safer, or better if I were straight.
What did you notice?
There is no passing or failing score.
My invitation for you is to notice what comes up as you move through the inventory. Pay attention to the statements that feel familiar, the ones you want to dismiss, and the ones that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes the reaction itself is worth looking at more closely.
Identifying patterns is about understanding them, not blaming ourselves. The good news is that once we're aware, we cannot become unaware.
We can choose to ignore what we've been made aware of, but we cannot truly become unaware of something once it's in our consciousness.
What I've learned from my own life is that nothing is ever brought into my awareness that I'm not ready to either change or help change.
This is my invitation for gay men as we consciously walk the Becoming Worthy path.
The Internalized Homophobia Inventory isn't exhaustive, and it isn't therapy or a diagnosis. It's here to support gay men in understanding patterns they may have never fully understood before. If anything came up for you, support is available, whether through a therapist, a trusted person, or a resource like the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or the Trevor Project.
If you'd like to learn more about how we could work together, I invite you to schedule a consultation:
The Internalized Homophobia Inventory is adapted from material in my forthcoming book, Becoming Worthy: A Gay Man’s Guide to Healing Shame and Loving Himself.
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