KEY POINTS
Studies show no direct causality between abuse and sexual orientation.
Sexual abuse is an act of power and control, not a reflection of sexual orientation.
LGBTQ survivors may internalize societal stigma or feel their sexual orientation is "caused" by abuse.
Not long ago, I read the well-known book Night, by Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel. Although the content of Night isn’t for the faint of heart (it’s Wiesel’s personal story of being in Nazi concentration camps as an adolescent in the 1940s), it’s powerfully written and unforgettable.
While the story deeply affected me, there was one part of the book I found troubling. In describing one of his German camp leader’s fondness for children, Wiesel wrote, “In fact, this affection was not entirely altruistic; there existed here a veritable traffic of children among homosexuals, I learned later.”
While an important book, Wiesel’s observation about “homosexuals” imprints itself on the consciousness of those who read it, including the students who are required to read it in high schools nationwide.
It’s an example of the subconscious beliefs about LGBTQ people and speaks to the misguided association between being gay and sexual deviancy. He didn’t refer to men who abused children as pedophiles—he referred to them as “homosexuals.”
I’ve had many conversations with parents who associate a male perpetrator of childhood sexual abuse with being gay. Once, while at an LGBTQ parents’ support group, one of the parents said that when her high school-age son came out, she told him to be careful of pedophiles. I asked if she had talked to her son about being careful of pedophiles the week before she knew he was gay and she said, “No.” It wasn’t until she began to see him as gay that she started to think of pedophiles abusing her son.
Sadly, we live in a world where sexual abuse occurs. It’s important for us as parents and caregivers to keep careful watch over our children’s lives. Also important is to name the subconscious association between being gay, sex, and sexual deviancy that some families still have, an association that can prevent parents from having open and honest conversations with their children at a young age.
In a 2017 study, “Sexual Victimization Perpetrated by Women: Federal Data Reveal Surprising Prevalence,” researchers explore the statistics surrounding sexual abuse perpetrated by women. The report discusses the prevalence of female sexual perpetration and shows how it wasn’t until the 1990s that systematic studies were even undertaken.
One study from the U.S. Census Bureau’s National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC) shows, out of 43,000 adults sampled, that there was little difference in the sex of self-reported sexual perpetrators. “Of those who affirmed that they had ‘ever force[d] someone to have sex...against their will,’ the study said, 43.6% were female and 56.4% were male.”
By no means does this minimize the prevalence of sexual abuse perpetrated by men. Yet it sheds light on how we stereotype sexual abuse. Researchers from the study also reference a 2013 survey of 1,058 male and female youth, ages 14 to 21, who self-reported perpetrating sexual victimization. The results showed:
“While 98% of perpetrators who committed their first offense at age 15 or younger were male, by 18–19 self-reports of perpetration differed little by sex: females comprised 48% of self-reported perpetrators of attempted or completed rape.”
During a trauma-intensive training, one of the male participants of our group told us he had been sexually abused by seven different people during his childhood. He also told us that six of the seven perpetrators were women. He said that for a long time, he never told anyone. He said, “The shame I felt for being abused by a woman wasn’t something I could understand, let alone expect others to understand.”
I wondered how many of us assumed his abusers were only men. I also thought about how most of us didn’t question whether his sexual orientation (heterosexuality) was a result of sexual abuse—which is often the assumption about gay men.
Sexual orientation is not determined by abuse.
The belief that sexual orientation stems from a sexual abuse experience is misguided. Making this distinction and shifting societal perceptions of what it means to be LGBTQ can encourage more young people to speak up about abuse. A lot of men who have been abused by another man fear reporting the abuse because they don’t want to be "considered gay." Taking the shame away from both abuse and being LGBTQ can help survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Many clients I work with at one time questioned whether sexual abuse had something to do with their sexuality. In fact, it’s something I, too, once questioned along my coming-out journey. It wasn’t until I consciously began doing the inner work that I was able to uncover and challenge the misguided beliefs I carried about my sexuality.
A new client recently told me he was abused as a child. He said he always thought the abuse is what made him gay. When he shared this with me, I replied, “What happened to you wasn’t your fault nor was it something you caused. Have you ever considered you were gay before you were abused and that someone took advantage of you? They might have sensed you were vulnerable and knew you wouldn’t tell anyone.” It was like a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, and he began to sob.
I began thinking about other children who know they’re LGBTQ but don’t know how to talk about it. How they have feelings of being different or that something is wrong with them. Children who feel guilty or as though something is wrong with them often isolate themselves and withdraw.
During an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show I watched years ago, Oprah interviewed four convicted child sex offenders. She wanted to understand why pedophiles do what they do, and she discovered that they “intentionally and methodically seek out vulnerable children.”
When we hear stories of sexual abuse where there are gender differences, heterosexuality isn’t often conflated with the abuse. However, when there’s a story about men who have abused young boys, there’s an automatic association with the violator’s sexuality. His sexuality is seen alongside the abuse.
For example, when speaking to numerous parents before I began working on my book, Raising LGBTQ Allies, a mother I spoke to asked me to specifically discuss “child abuse and homosexuality.” Although she said she assumes it’s a myth, she continued, “People relate the two. It’s a big topic, from Michael Jackson to Catholic priests.”
This is a very sensitive subject and one that is not easy to address. Changing the narrative for future generations of LGBTQ youth means navigating difficult conversations about long-held misguided beliefs. To do so is courageous. It also requires the capacity to hold the discomfort for the sake of healing.
When conducting research of any kind, it’s important to pay attention to themes. Four out of the five conversations I have about misguided beliefs about LGBTQ people include some sort of sexual deviancy—which makes the conversation all the more necessary.
By talking about shameful things, we’re bringing darkness out into the light. Having uncomfortable conversations with children at a young age doesn’t put them at risk. Instead, it does the opposite. It keeps them from risk.
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