The Psychology of Becoming Who You Want to Be

How small daily choices shape the people we’re becoming.

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KEY POINTS

• Psychological readiness involves aligning self-perception with desired behaviors before change occurs.

• Internal cognitive and emotional shifts precede and support sustainable behavioral change.

• Creating a supportive internal environment reduces resistance and fosters meaningful growth.

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A few years ago, my brother became a Captain in the Fire Department.

Around that time, he was also turning 40. I called to wish him a happy birthday, and while we were catching up, he casually mentioned he’d been eating healthier and working out more regularly. Then he added, “I had a salad for lunch today.”

That made me laugh. My brother has hunted since he was a teenager—salad was never exactly his go-to.

When I asked if he was on a diet, he said, “Not really. I’m just getting in shape for when I become Captain. I want to look and feel the part before I actually take on the role.”

His comment made me think about the subtle ways we can prepare for change, not by announcing it to the world, but by aligning ourselves with it internally. For my brother, it wasn’t about waiting for the promotion to change his habits. It was about becoming the kind of person who was ready for the life he was stepping into.

Many of us have a sense of the life we want to live—whether it has to do with work, relationships, healing, or purpose. But stepping into the life we desire rarely begins with something external. More often, it starts with how we see ourselves, and the small but meaningful shifts we make on the inside.

In my own life, I’ve been working for years to build something that feels aligned with who I am. The details have evolved, but the deeper desire has remained the same: to use what I’ve learned in my own life to support others and contribute something meaningful. It hasn’t always been a straight path, but what’s helped me stay the course has been that same internal orientation—one that asks, “Who am I becoming in the process?”

We often think we’ll feel ready when everything outside of us is in order. When we’ve landed the job, met the partner, or healed all the wounds. But in practice, our readiness usually begins long before the outer circumstances change. It begins when we start showing up differently in our day-to-day lives—sometimes in small, almost imperceptible ways.

Psychologically, this reflects the idea of self-concept and cognitive congruence—how we begin to act in ways that match the person we believe we are, or are becoming. If there’s a mismatch—say, we want to feel confident but continue relating to ourselves from a place of shame or fear—it can create dissonance. But when we begin to close the gap, even gradually, we start to experience ourselves differently. Those internal shifts can become the foundation for lasting change.

This doesn’t mean we bypass the hard work. My brother still had to study, pass interviews, and meet the qualifications to become Captain. But just as important as the external preparation was how he saw himself. He began living the role before it became official.

From a therapeutic perspective, I often see clients longing for something new in their lives—a healthier relationship, a sense of clarity, more confidence—but unsure how to begin. And often, the work begins not with fixing, but with creating an internal environment that allows for change. Not unlike how a seed needs the right conditions to grow—sunlight, soil, space—we also need conditions that support our development: safety, compassion, curiosity, and support.

Unlike seeds, though, we carry stories, fears, and past experiences that can block our growth. That’s why it helps to ask ourselves: What have I been carrying that might be getting in the way? What parts of me need tending, not to be “fixed,” but acknowledged and held with compassion?

We wait for the “right time” to feel ready, but it doesn’t work that way. Being ready is something we grow into. It’s about showing up for ourselves, even when we’re unsure or scared, and taking small steps anyway.

My brother didn’t wait to feel like a Captain before he began to live like one.

If we want to live more fully, love more deeply, or show up more bravely, we don’t have to wait for some external permission. We can begin now—in the small, everyday choices that shape who we’re becoming.

Featured on:

Psychology Today

Chris Tompkins is a gay male therapist in West Hollywood (Los Angeles) who specializes in working with adult gay men, individuals and couples. He supports clients navigating identity, relationships, religious trauma, addiction, and self-esteem. To learn more, explore therapeutic services or schedule a free consultation.