How to Step Into the Life You Want Today
- Chris Tompkins
- 7 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 6 hours ago
The hidden way our inner landscape prepares us for real-life change.
KEY POINTS
Feeling connected to our future self consistently predicts decisions that favor long-term growth.
Internal mindset and identity often shape the outcome more than external preparation or credentials.
Cultivating self-honesty and self-compassion transforms internal barriers into pathways for real change.
A few years before I gave my first TEDx talk, I started to prepare in ways that no one could see.
At the time, I had a huge fear of public speaking, and the idea of stepping onto a stage to share something vulnerable felt impossible. Even so, I felt like I could at least start connecting with the version of myself who could someday stand inside the infamous “red dot.”
Before I ever applied to speak, I set an intention. I didn’t know how or when it would happen, but I was clear about why I wanted to give a talk. My whygave me the confidence to begin to imagine the possibility of myself stepping onto the TED stage.
Around the same time, I joined Toastmasters so I could practice public speaking. For two years, I showed up every Tuesday morning at a Denny’s at 7:00 a.m. For someone who’s not a morning person, that alone gave me an inner sense of confidence.
Week after week, I practiced learning how to speak in front of people without quivering and how to breathe through fear instead of pushing it away. What I didn’t realize then was that I was doing more than practicing speeches. I was preparing internally for the speaker I hoped to become.
In psychological terms, I was strengthening my connection to my future self. Researchers describe future self continuity as the process of acting today in ways that embody the person we are becoming. When we feel connected to the future version of ourselves, we make choices that support long-term growth.
Looking back, none of what I was doing looked very impressive externally. I spent evenings memorizing lines in my living room. I listened to recordings of my talk while hiking in the mornings. I practiced out loud at night, knowing that each rehearsal brought me closer to achieving my goal.
Choice by choice, I became the speaker I envisioned, aligning with the person I was growing into, even when no one could see it.
So much of becoming who we imagine ourselves to be happens long before the visible milestone arrives.
Internal Preparation Matters More Than We Think
Most of us recognize the importance of external preparation, like studying, training, meeting qualifications, making plans, etc. But psychological research shows that internal preparation, our mindset, and the identity we are strengthening play an equally powerful role.
Psychologists call this identity-based behavior. We are more likely to follow through on meaningful changes when our actions match the identity we want to embody.
During my TEDx preparation, I started to embody being a speaker. I made a point to stop eating dairy so I wouldn’t have phlegm buildup, and practiced walking around on a red Christmas tree liner in my living room that I pretended was the “red dot.” I even picked a personal “hype song” to listen to on the treadmill while imagining myself giving a talk. It helped me feel inspired by the version of myself who could actually speak in front of hundreds of people.
Many of us delay pursuing our dreams or taking on new projects until we feel completely ready or “fixed.” We wait to start writing that book, giving that talk, or stepping into a role we’ve been imagining.
But readiness often comes after we begin. Not before.
From a psychological perspective, growth requires two foundational elements:
Self-honesty: the willingness to look at what’s shaped us and how we may be getting in our own way.
Self-compassion: the ability to meet ourselves and what we uncover without shame or harsh judgment.
These two qualities provide the internal foundation that makes meaningful personal growth possible.
Creating the Inner Conditions for Growth
Over those two years, the rehearsals, routines, and practice sessions were important, but only because they reflected and strengthened the internal preparation that ultimately allowed me to step onto a stage and speak publicly.
Each of us has conditioning, fear, and schemas, or patterns of thinking, that can interfere with who we’re capable of being and the dreams we’re capable of achieving. Preparing for the TEDx stage required me to examine the fears that made me want to hide, the beliefs that told me I wasn’t good enough, and the ways I stayed small by avoiding taking up too much space.
We create a more supportive internal environment when we:
Identify the beliefs, or schemas, that hold us back
Examine fears that keep us stuck
Notice the ways we self-protect or avoid taking action
Develop habits that reflect our values, not our old conditioning
Treat ourselves with kindness during the process
As our internal environment becomes more integrated, we meet challenges with more clarity and take steps that once felt too scary or even impossible. The dreams we hope to pursue and the life we want to live stop feeling theoretical and begin to feel possible.
Setting out to achieve a dream of giving a TEDx talk didn’t take away my fear of public speaking. What the process did was strengthen my tolerance for staying engaged with something meaningful while still feeling unsure.
If you have a project, a dream, or a goal that still feels out of reach, pay attention to the relationship you have with your future self and tend to your internal environment today. How you prepare and meet yourself now shapes the person who will take the steps you hope to take.
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Chris Tompkins is a gay male therapist in West Hollywood (Los Angeles) who specializes in working with adult gay men, individuals and couples. He supports clients navigating identity, relationships, religious trauma, addiction, and self-esteem. To learn more, explore therapeutic services or schedule a free consultation.
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