Do You Want Non-Monogamy, or Do You Think You Should?
- Chris Tompkins
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Many gay men feel pressure to want open relationships—even when they don’t.
KEY POINTS
Opening a relationship can become a way to avoid intimacy rather than deepen it.
Gay men may unconsciously seek partners with opposite defensive structures around sex and relationships.
Gay male partners release testosterone, not oxytocin, during sex, affecting emotional connection.
A client recently told me he'd agreed to open his relationship because “that’s just what gay couples do." Six months later, he was miserable.
“It’s not that open relationships are bad,” he said. “I just never actually wanted one in the first place.”
Most of his friends were in open relationships, he explained, and he worried that wanting monogamy meant he was "less evolved" or "conforming to heteronormative standards.”
In addition to being a therapist who works primarily with gay men, I'm also a gay man who hears about these dynamics firsthand from friends in both monogamous and open relationships.
Last week, over dinner, a colleague and I talked about the rise in non-monogamous relationships we’re seeing clinically. While open relationships can work, many men report in therapy that they don't actually want to be in one. Sometimes opening a relationship becomes a way to avoid intimacyrather than deepen it. Other times, it’s a way to sidestep underlying problems in the relationship.
A good friend of mine is in an open relationship and just got engaged. He and his partner have been together for five years and have made it work through honesty, clear boundaries, and mutual respect.
In many gay male communities, non-monogamy has become highly visible. Dating apps, social media, podcasts, and queer thought leaders frame open relationships as progressive and emotionally sophisticated. Monogamy, by contrast, is often described as restrictive, fear-based, or borrowed from heterosexual norms that never served us.
They're not entirely wrong. Many of us had no models for healthy gay male relationships growing up, and questioning internalized beliefs is a necessary part of our self-actualization process. The problem happens when questioning one rigid expectation gets replaced with another.
What goes unspoken is how much pressure some men feel to be open, even when it doesn't align with what they actually want, or their values.
One partner I worked with agreed to an open relationship because he didn’t want to seem insecure or jealous. He worried about being labeled “boring” or “traditional.” Many clients say they feel fine talking about non-monogamy publicly while privately feeling anxious, disconnected, or resentful.
There's often a gap between what they say out loud—“I'm totally open to it”—and what they feel internally—“I don’t like this, but I don’t want to disappoint my partner.”
Part of it comes from how gay sexuality has been framed for generations—as excessive, uncontrollable, inherently non-monogamous. Even when we consciously reject those messages, they can still linger. There's also rebellion. Many of us are pushing back against heteronormative relationship models, which makes sense. But rejecting the assumption that we should be monogamous doesn't mean monogamy itself is invalid.
Many gay men haven’t seen examples of healthy, long-term gay relationships growing up. Lack of visible models can make it harder to imagine what works for themselves.
What's really happening underneath
It’s not uncommon for there to be different libidos in gay male relationships. One of the approaches I use in couples therapy is Imago Relationship Therapy. The premise of Imago is that we consciously or unconsciously seek out relationships to help us heal childhood wounds. Often, there's one partner with a “hyperarousal” defensive structure and one with a "hypoarousal" structure.
The hyperarousal partner seeks intensity and external stimulation to manage anxiety. The hypoarousal partner withdraws or shuts down when overwhelmed. One partner might pursue more sexual variety. The other pulls back or feels pressured.
When couples don't understand these dynamics, opening the relationship can seem like a solution. The hyperarousal partner gets the stimulation they're seeking. The hypoarousal partner gets relief from what feels like constant pressure. But if the underlying defensive structures aren't addressed, the same patterns show up in the open relationship. Just with more people involved.
Looking at libido differences through the lens of sexual appetite, erotic template, and attitudes about sex helps us explore the underlying needs each partner has and what they feel is missing. Sometimes what looks like mismatched desire is actually about unmet needs for safety, validation, or emotional connection.
There's also a neurochemical piece worth understanding. Neuroscientist Dr. Tara Swart explains that women release oxytocin every time they have sex, which can lead to falling in love after sexual connection. Men release testosterone with each sexual encounter and only release oxytocin once they've already fallen in love. An evolutionary mechanism that helped men spread their genes widely while eventually bonding with a primary partner.
For gay men, this means both partners are operating with this same neurochemical pattern. Both are releasing testosterone with sex, which can create a dynamic where physical intimacy doesn't automatically deepen emotional connection the way it might in heterosexual relationships. This can lead to a couple having frequent sex but still feeling emotionally distant. Or one or both partners seeking sex outside the relationship because it doesn't carry the same bonding weight.
Understanding this doesn’t mean gay men can’t bond through sex. We absolutely can. But emotional intimacy doesn’t take care of itself. When couples open a relationship without tending to it first, the underlying issues will still appear.
How do you know what you actually want?
Knowing what’s right for you and your ideal relationship starts with getting honest about whether you're choosing something because it aligns with your values, or because it feels expected or that you’ll lose something if you don’t. A lot of men I work with say yes to opening up their relationship before they've asked themselves that question.
If you're considering non-monogamy, pay attention to what happens in your body when you imagine opening your relationship or your partner with someone else. Do you feel curiosity, or does something in you tighten or pull back?
And if you're already in an open relationship but feeling disconnected or resentful, it might be worth asking, “Is this arrangement creating more intimacy between us, or are we avoiding something we haven't addressed?”
There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. There's nothing wrong with wanting an open relationship. The trouble starts when you're lying in bed next to your partner feeling completely alone because you agreed to something that goes against what you actually want, but you're too afraid to say it out loud.
Pretending you want something you don't causes harm. So does staying silent because you're worried your partner will leave, or because everyone else seems fine with open relationships and you don't want to be left out. The healthiest relationships I see, both monogamous and open, are built on honesty and genuine agreement.
These conversations aren't easy—with ourselves or our partners. But they're necessary, and they're worth having.
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Chris Tompkins is a gay male therapist in West Hollywood (Los Angeles) who specializes in working with adult gay men, individuals and couples. He supports clients navigating identity, relationships, religious trauma, addiction, and self-esteem. To learn more, explore therapeutic services or schedule a free consultation.
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